Four Secrets to Lasting Love and Desire

Four Secrets to Lasting Love and Desire

 Ester Perel, author of “Mating in Captivity,” traveled to 20 different countries to ask couples in long-term relationships, “When are you drawn to your partner.”  Across gender, class and religion, she noticed that four common responses kept cropping up. Perhaps these four answers contain the secret to lasting love and desire:

  1. When we are apart and when we reunite.  Apparently, absence does make the heart grow fonder. In absence creates longing which fuels desire.

  2. When I see my partner radiant and confident. We seem to need those moments where we see our partners as separate, capable and attractive beings. Even better if it is in public. 

  3. When there is novelty and adventure. It’s exciting to explore new places, experiences and voyages with another. 

  4. Here’s what not to do -- across the board, neediness is an anti-aphrodisiac. 


Perel writes about the innate conflict between love and desire. Love is about having, and desire is about wanting.  One represents safety and stability while the other represents new frontiers and experiences. 


So how do you sustain both? Perhaps it begins with pursuing your passion whether it is your career or your hobby. Encourage your partner to do the same. Then, plan getaways together. They don’t have to be expensive. It can be a picnic or a candlelight dinner at home. If you have a child or children, you have a bigger challenge. Parenting naturally decreases erotic desire, so you’ll have to make a commitment to romance. 


Go out dancing, go for walks, look at the night sky, surprise your partner with a trip or concert tickets. Whatever it is, make the time and create the space to really see and appreciate one another.